At what age is self-soothing OK?

Self-soothing is when a child learns to calm themselves down independently, without needing constant external soothing from a caregiver. This is an important milestone in a child’s emotional development that enables them to self-regulate their emotions. However, there is debate around what age self-soothing behaviors should be encouraged versus when a child still needs caregiver support.

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What is self-soothing?

Self-soothing refers to strategies and behaviors that a child uses to calm themselves down when experiencing strong emotions like anger, sadness, or frustration. This includes things like using a comfort object, sucking their thumb or fingers, rocking themselves, singing or talking to themselves in a soothing way.

The ability to self-soothe allows a child to start regulating their own emotions and take steps to make themselves feel better without needing external intervention. This helps build their independence and coping abilities.

Why is self-soothing important?

Mastering self-soothing skills is an important developmental milestone for several reasons:

It builds emotion regulation – By learning to calm themselves down, children start to develop abilities to recognize and manage strong emotions.
It promotes independence – When children can self-soothe, they need less external regulation and support from caregivers.

It develops coping abilities – Self-soothing gives children tools to deal with stress or upset feelings on their own.
It supports self-reliance – The ability to self-soothe allows children to rely on themselves for comfort instead of needing constant external soothing.
It builds confidence – Soothing themselves gives children a sense of control and achievement.

Children who reach this milestone are better equipped to handle emotional challenges as they continue to grow and develop.

Signs a child is self-soothing

How can you tell if a child is starting to develop self-soothing abilities? Some signs include:

Using a comfort object like a blanket or stuffed animal to calm down

Sucking thumb, fingers or pacifier to soothe themselves
Rocking or swaying body back and forth in a calming manner
Making soothing sounds like “shhh” to themselves

Singing, babbling, or talking to themselves in a lulling way
Playing with their hair or an object to distract themselves
Taking deep breaths to relax when upset

Going to a quiet corner or safe space when overwhelmed
Asking for alone time when stressed or tired

These behaviors indicate a child is starting to develop and employ strategies to independently calm and comfort themselves.

Self-soothing age range

So at what age can children start learning to self-soothe? There is no set milestone, as every child develops at a different pace. However, some general age ranges include:

0-6 months – Early self-soothing signs like sucking fingers or thumbs.
6-12 months – Using comfort objects like blankets or stuffed animals.

1-2 years – Rocking, singing, or holding onto security items.
2-4 years – Developing more complex techniques like deep breathing.
3-5 years – Seeking quiet time alone when overwhelmed.

Most experts recommend facilitating self-soothing development between 4-6 months and actively encouraging these skills throughout toddlerhood. The key is following the child’s lead – observing what methods they naturally gravitate towards and allowing them to practice independently calming themselves.

Encouraging self-soothing skills

While self-soothing abilities develop naturally in most children, parents and caregivers can help facilitate the process:

Observe methods your child is drawn to – Rocking, thumb sucking, or using a special blanket or toy to calm down. Support these natural tendencies.

Allow them to practice soothing – When upset, give them a chance to settle themselves before immediately intervening.
Provide comfort objects – A special stuffed animal, blanket or toy they can hold when going to sleep or when stressed.
Teach techniques like deep breathing – Help them learn to take slow deep breaths to relax when frustrated or angry.

Give validation – Acknowledge their feelings and reassure them they can calm themselves.
Set up quiet spaces – A corner with pillows or tents where they can retreat to self-soothe.
Read social cues – Respect their need for alone time when overwhelmed and don’t force interactions.

Model self-soothing – Demonstrate ways you relax like listening to music, taking a bath, or reading.

With patience and consistency, these strategies can help children develop the ability to self-regulate. However, it’s also important not to force independence before they are ready.

When is self-soothing pushed too early?

While self-soothing skills are important, children can vary greatly in when they will be developmentally ready for this milestone. Pushing too much independence too early can be problematic. Signs it’s too soon include:

Child becomes very upset when left to self-soothe and cannot calm down independently.
Self-soothing behaviors turn into panicked reactions like hyperventilating.
Child’s attachment to caregivers seems to suffer, becoming distant or anxious.

Child’s emotional outbursts and tantrums increase in frequency or intensity.
Child shows signs of giving up by becoming apathetic or depressed.

If a child is displaying these reactions, it likely indicates they still strongly need external support and soothing from caregivers. At this stage, pressuring them to self-soothe can be distressing rather than helpful.

When to step in and provide soothing

So when should a parent or caregiver step in to provide comfort versus giving a child space to self-soothe? There are several signs a child still needs active external soothing:

The child is showing panic, fear, pain or extreme distress.
The emotional reaction seems out of proportion to the trigger.

The child is engaging in unsafe behaviors.
The child cannot calm down after a reasonable time trying to self-soothe.
The child keeps escalating their reaction instead of settling.

The child is seeking comfort from the caregiver.

If a child is experiencing overwhelming upset and unable to bring their emotions back into balance, don’t hesitate to intervene. Offer comfort through rocking, holding, singing, or whatever methods work best for that child.

Setting limits on self-soothing behaviors

While supporting a child’s self-soothing techniques, parents may also need to set some gentle limits if the behaviors impact functioning or health:

Thumb or finger sucking – Limit to nap time and bedtime. Don’t allow during day as it can impact teeth and speech.
Hair twirling/pulling – Redirect to twisting a blanket or toy. Pulling hair can damage follicles.
Rocking/head banging – Redirect to less physically harmful methods like hugging stuffed animal.

Excessive tantrums – Stay calm and don’t over-soothe. Set limits like taking a quiet break in their room.
Withdrawing – If retreating from others for long periods, encourage coming back out to engage. Don’t force.
Security objects – Limit to bedtime/home if a child becomes too reliant on a lovey or blanket.

The goal should be supporting healthy self-soothing that builds coping skills, while discouraging harmful behaviors.

Self-soothing from birth to 5 years

While every child develops differently, here is an overview of self-soothing milestones from birth to age 5:

0-6 months

At this stage, infants rely fully on caregivers for soothing and cannot self-calm. Respond promptly to cries and provide comfort like rocking, feeding, swaddling. Support early self-soothing attempts like sucking hands.

6-12 months

Babies start naturally using methods like thumbs or loveys to self-soothe. Encourage these efforts while still responding when needed. Don’t leave babies to “cry it out” at this age.

1-2 years

Toddlers begin seeking comfort objects. Use distraction and validate feelings when they get upset. Stay nearby for security but let them try soothing techniques like hugs or stuffed animals.

2-3 years

Children increasingly use words to express feelings and needs. Support pretend play as an outlet and teach strategies like deep breathing. Offer guidance but give them space to practice self-regulation.

3-4 years

Set up cozy spots for alone time when overwhelmed. Continue modeling and naming emotions. Praise them for calming themselves but also lend a hand when emotions spiral out of control.

4-5 years

Children can increasingly self-soothe but still need empathy, validation and oversight. Encourage independence in calming down but don’t abandon them to “work it out alone” when very upset.

The key is finding an age-appropriate balance between independence and caregiver support. Each child will progress at a different pace.

Healthy self-soothing guidelines

The following tips can help maintain a healthy approach to encouraging self-soothing skills:

Start early, increase gradually – Introduce methods like loveys around 4-6 months. Build on these foundations over time.
Follow child’s cues – Observe what self-soothing techniques they gravitate to naturally rather than “training.”

Validate feelings – Empathize with their emotions and reassure them they can calm down.
Provide comfort objects – Offer special toys or blankets that help them self-soothe.
Model techniques – Demonstrate deep breathing, taking a quiet break, listening to music.

Respect needs – Recognize when they need time alone to rebalance.
Stay attentive – Notice if self-soothing is ineffective and more support is needed.
Have patience – This is a process that takes time. Progress will be gradual.

Respond sensitively – When intervening, offer soothing gently. Don’t shame.
Set kind limits – Discourage harmful self-soothing habits while understanding the impulse.

With this supportive approach, self-soothing skills can develop in a positive way.

Potential risks of delayed self-soothing abilities

While there are no strict timelines, delayed development of self-soothing skills can potentially impact a child’s emotional health. Risks associated with lags in this area include:

Trouble regulating emotions – Without self-soothing techniques, children may struggle to control emotional outbursts.
Anxiety and insecurity – Kids who cannot self-calm may become clingy, fearful or overly dependent.

Behavioral issues – Poor self-regulation is linked to defiance, aggression and impulsivity.
Peer struggles – Social interactions may suffer if children lack emotion coping skills.
Caregiver burnout – Parents may feel overwhelmed if children cannot soothe without help.

Sleep challenges – Not having self-soothing methods can disrupt sleep routines.
Developmental delays – Lack of emotional control hampers focus needed for cognitive gains.

While not inevitable, lacking self-regulation abilities makes it harder for kids to navigate emotional and social demands. Delays may warrant an evaluation by early intervention professionals.

Professional support options

If you feel your child’s self-soothing skills are significantly lagging, speak to their pediatrician. They can refer you for support services like:

Early intervention therapy – Specialists work with kids up to age 3 on development delays including self-regulation.
Occupational therapy – Helps build sensory processing and coping strategies.

Psychotherapy – Counseling teaches emotional and behavioral management techniques.
Evaluation for special needs – A developmental assessment may identify needs like autism requiring tailored help.

Seeking professional input can get your child extra support if self-soothing milestones are missed or cause increasing struggles.

Conclusion

Developing self-soothing skills is a key milestone that helps children regulate emotions and build independence. While abilities emerge between 4-6 months, actively encouraging techniques throughout toddlerhood helps reinforce these capacities. Finding the right balance between external soothing and independent calming takes attentiveness and patience. With a supportive approach, parents can nurture healthy self-regulation as children outgrow the need for constant external comfort. If delays arise, early intervention may provide needed help getting development back on track. Respecting each child’s unique timeline is key – with compassion and care, their innate self-soothing abilities can blossom.